Authoritarian vs Authoritative Parenting

I discussed Permissive parenting in a previous post, but now I want to talk about Authoritarian Parenting. This is probably something many Muslims are familiar with, since it has the qualities that we grew up with, and by consequence, we have now inherited those same tactics for our own kids. 

So what is Authoritarian Parenting? Here is what Abigail Shrier says in her book:

“The "authoritarian parent" values a child's obedience as a virtue, holds the child's behavior to an absolute standard, works to keep the child in his place, restricts his autonomy, and does not ever encourage a give-and-take discussion about her rules.

Does this sound familiar? Absolute obedience to the “establishment,” meaning your parents, no matter what. The obedience itself is virtuous. There is no room for discussion at all. This kind of parenting doesn’t just last when the child is young, but it goes on all the way to adulthood. 

“You need to be a Doctor, or else you won’t get a good job.”

“You can’t get married until your other siblings get married first.”

The amount of control can be surprising, and the worst part is when this absolute obedience to parents leads to the disobedience of Allah. 

Allah was never in the picture, and you, the parent, were the authority to be pleased. 

There is no room for creativity or alternative suggestions to satisfy both parties. 

This will psychologically damage your kids, and they themselves will not be effective leaders. 

Remember, “authoritative parenting,” is the best balance of control and love. Follow the Islamic model and the example of the Prophet ﷺ and you will find that middle ground of authority, love, and guidance for your children.