How to live your life so your children can be successful.

Surah Kahf has so many hidden gems inside of it, and the one that really stuck with me today was about the righteous father who left behind two orphan boys.

This father who passed away, he did two important things:

1. He was a righteous man.

2. He saved for his family.

We all know that we have to earn for our families, and everyone takes this for granted.

Allah did not emphasize this in the ayah.

What did Allah emphasize?

“And their father had been a righteous man.”

وَأَمَّا ٱلْجِدَارُ فَكَانَ لِغُلَـٰمَيْنِ يَتِيمَيْنِ فِى ٱلْمَدِينَةِ وَكَانَ تَحْتَهُۥ كَنزٌۭ لَّهُمَا وَكَانَ أَبُوهُمَا صَـٰلِحًۭا فَأَرَادَ رَبُّكَ أَن يَبْلُغَآ أَشُدَّهُمَا وَيَسْتَخْرِجَا كَنزَهُمَا رَحْمَةًۭ مِّن رَّبِّكَ ۚ وَمَا فَعَلْتُهُۥ عَنْ أَمْرِى ۚ ذَٰلِكَ تَأْوِيلُ مَا لَمْ تَسْطِع عَّلَيْهِ صَبْرًۭا ٨٢

“And as for the wall, it belonged to two orphan boys in the city, and under the wall was a treasure that belonged to them, and their father had been a righteous man. So your Lord willed that these children should come of age and retrieve their treasure, as a mercy from your Lord. I did not do it ˹all˺ on my own. This is the explanation of what you could not bear patiently.”

Surah Kahf (18:82)

Allah SWT is telling us that if we put our trust in Him and follow the path towards Allah, Allah will take care of our affairs.

But at the same time, we have to do the work and try our best to make it happen!

The treasure that was buried was an active step done by the father, and he obviously had to earn it first and plan ahead.

Remember, tawakkul (trust in Allah) requires us to do our part first, and then leave the rest to Allah.

Don’t just invest in your children’s worldly future, but also remember that if you are righteous, then Allah will provide for them even better than what you have planned.

Make Allah your priority, earn for your family, plan for your family, and leave the rest to Allah.

Will your kids resent you?

If you don’t teach your kids about Islam, and make it a part of their life, they might resent you. Of course there should always be respect and good manners towards parents, but sometimes thoughts still creep in and if a parent deprives their child of sound Islamic knowledge, that child will always feel behind once they start practicing Islam. 

Not only that, but it can lead to families bickering and even splitting apart, especially if they are on different wavelengths in terms of following the religion.

If you practice, and you teach your kids to practice, your relationship in sha Allah will be fruitful, blessed, and strong. 

Unfortunately, there are probably a lot of people like this sister here asking this question.

Generative AI and “nudify” apps

Matt Burgess, from Wired.com (on arstechnica):

Major technology companies, including Google, Apple, and Discord, have been enabling people to quickly sign up to harmful “undress” websites, which use AI to remove clothes from real photos to make victims appear to be “nude” without their consent. More than a dozen of these deepfake websites have been using login buttons from the tech companies for months.

A WIRED analysis found 16 of the biggest so-called undress and “nudify” websites using the sign-in infrastructure from Google, Apple, Discord, Twitter, Patreon, and Line. This approach allows people to easily create accounts on the deepfake websites—offering them a veneer of credibility—before they pay for credits and generate images.

While bots and websites that create nonconsensual intimate images of women and girls have existed for years, the number has increased with the introduction of generative AI. This kind of “undress” abuse is alarmingly widespread, with teenage boys allegedly creating images of their classmates. Tech companies have been slow to deal with the scale of the issues, critics say, with the websites appearing highly in search results, paid advertisements promoting them on social media, and apps showing up in app stores.

This is another reason why women and girls in general, shouldn’t post their photos online. The fitna is already there even if the photos aren’t sexualized, but this is a whole other level of just destroying a girls reputation. 

Imagine if this became rampant in the Muslim community? It would just be a huge mess, with families’ reputations being tarnished and girls being slandered against left and right. Imagine a high school or middle school boy liking a muslim girl in school, and trying this feature on her. She may not even be one who posts photos online and might not even be involved in social media, but anyone can just take your photo these days and do whatever they want with it. 

This is a continuation of a trend that normalizes sexual violence against women and girls by Big Tech,” says Adam Dodge, a lawyer and founder of EndTAB (Ending Technology-Enabled Abuse). “Sign-in APIs are tools of convenience. We should never be making sexual violence an act of convenience,” he says. “We should be putting up walls around the access to these apps, and instead we're giving people a drawbridge.

Putting up walls around access to the apps might stop a few people, but those who really want to nudify someone will find a way to nudify them. 

Muslim parents should take heed and address these issues with their children, especially if they have cell phones and are on social media. 

You’re not wasting time if you’re doing stuff with your kids.

Yesterday, I had a plan.

I was going to workout after work, no matter what.

I just had to.

It has been a few days and I knew I needed the workout.

Did I want to do it? Of course not.

But it has to be done.

After Asr prayer, it’s time to hit the “home gym.”

I got back home later than usual from work, and the next thing I know, my driveway has turned into a giant bike repair shop.

My 7 year old’s training wheels weren’t working properly, so I had to fix them.

My 12 year old’s bike handles were loose and swinging up and down which should not be happening, but we were able to tighten them up with a simple Allen wrench.

My 10 year old didn’t have any serious issues with his bike. Yeah, his rear brakes are completely shot, but his front brakes worked well enough to compensate. It’s not like he’s running the Tour de France anyway.

Anyway, he wanted to put on new brakes for his rear wheel, and he got me involved in this project. I thought this would be a good father and son time, fixing things together, and it was.

Did it take exceptionally longer than expected?

Of course it did.

There were moments where I just wanted to stop and tell him to just forget about it right now, but I wanted to show my son that quitting isn’t an option, especially when it is something that is achievable. We kept on pushing and running into roadblocks trying to find the right balance between the brake spacers and the length of the brake wire, but after what seemed like a few hours, we finally figured it out.

There were moments where my son had to hold onto the brakes at a certain angle while I tightened the bolts, but his grip was not strong enough to keep the brakes in place and we would have to keep making adjustments. I could see the expression on his face, that expression of wanting to accomplish the goal, but also not wanting to disappoint his father who has told him several times to hold the brakes in place.

Seeing that expression on his face just made me calm down a few notches, and gave him more encouragement to keep pushing and having him feel that sense of accomplishment after we finally solved the problem.

It was great teamwork from the both of us to finally get the brakes on correctly, and he had a test drive to confirm it was a success.

We both had a nice bonding moment, just working together and fixing the bike.

Was it a waste of time? Of course not, because I was hanging out with my son, and I was able to help my daughters have a good time riding their bikes in this nice fall weather.

After all was said and done, it was Maghrib time, and I just didn’t feel like working out. I was exhausted from my 9-5 (or 8-4 in my case), and I just hustled out 40 pushups so I can say that I at least did some physical activity.

Sometimes things don’t go the way you want them, but you can always turn a chore into a learning and bonding session with your kids.

Lessons learned:

1. Don’t give up when it comes to things that are actually achievable. Struggling is a part of life, and will eventually lead to success.

2. Don’t always assume a new project will be over quickly. Always budget extra time.

3. Be patient with your children. They look up to you and want to please you, so don’t let your anger ruin those special moments and turn them into regretful memories.

4. If you can’t do a full workout, do something quick and fast to get some physical activity in for the day.

Reaching the delegation point in your family life.

You need to prepare for your kids Islamic lesson, but you also need to buy groceries.

What do you do??

You do both, at the same time.

Use the power of delegation, especially for eager kids who want to do the shopping for you.

I was able to prepare our family lecture, while the kids made the shopping list (which I had to approve of course), and the 7 and 10 yr old went together through the store on their own and got the items on the list. My son gave me a report of what he was not able to get because of height limitations on his part 😁.

It was also an act of discipline for me because I knew I had to finish prepping my lesson before they got back to me.

It was a moment of hyperfocus for me and for them.

And a reminder to not belittle what our kids can do, especially if they are eager to learn and do it on their own.

Remember, when you start teaching your kids, it will be tough and they will make many mistakes,

But this is exactly how the early Muslims learned about Islam.

The Prophet ﷺ taught the sahaba, and he had to be patient and endure the mistakes of his people. 

Follow his example, follow his sunnah, and be the best teacher to your kids. 

The earlier you start, the better.

The earlier you start something, the quicker you will get better at it.

This is especially true with homeschooling.

When you have just one child, it is very easy to homeschool them, and you can accelerate their learning since the teacher to student ratio is 1:1.

Or even 2:1 if both parents get involved!

Just like you adjusted your time and priorities when you got married, and again after having your first child, you can adjust once again by homeschooling them.

When child #2 comes along, you can adjust again, and prioritize your time differently.

It is a gradual process and you will notice how much you can actually accomplish.

You will even look back at when you only had one child, and how “busy” you thought you were with just one brain to feed 😅.

If you already have 3 kids that are in public schools, and now decide to start homeschooling them, it can still be done, no doubt about it, but the challenges and initial shock will be much more difficult.

This is what keeps people from even getting started, until it gets far too long in the tooth and the opportunity has passed you by.

How boys and girls think differently about money.

The other day, my daughter comes up to me, very nonchalantly, and just tells me,

“Papa, I think I lost my money.”

There was no emotion or panic in her tone whatsoever. I was more in shock of how calm she was because I knew she had a decent chunk of change for a 12 year old (about $500 from gifts and Eid money).

So naturally I asked her, “how much money? Do you mean your purse?” Her purse usually has like $20-$40.

I was like there was no way she lost ALL her money.

She replies again in her casual voice, “No. I lost all my money.”

So now I’m a bit concerned and freaking out a bit inside, and we go on a mission to backtrack her steps and search her room, and eventually she finds it fairly quickly.

Once she finds it, it’s just a, “Oh there it is.” and there’s just the tiniest sign of relief on her face.

After this ordeal, I was just taken aback by her attitude and how losing the money didn’t make her freak out. When I thought about it more, it didn't really surprise me.

We have been homeschooling them since the beginning, and we have been teaching them proper Islamic principles, including how a household is run, who is in charge of what, and who brings home the “dough,” and who cooks the dough.

It’s a system that Alhumdulilah works amazingly well, and brings benefit to everyone.

My wife doesn’t have to worry about money, and naturally, my daughter has picked that up from her. Having a lot of money isn’t a priority for my daughter, and being thrifty with money is one of her qualities.

Frankly, it should be a quality for all of us.

Her carelessness with money isn’t spending too much, but just misplacing it in her room 😂.

My son, on the other hand, is the opposite. He is much more meticulous with money, always trying to find ways to earn money, mainly because he tends to spend more money. If he had lost his wad of cash, he would have turned the whole house upside down trying to find it. He would definitely have been in a more panicked state. 

The way my son and daughter react emotionally to money is part of their fitra that is inside all of us as Muslims, and something that our house has reinforced:

Men are the providers of the household and have to worry about money and providing, while women are the maintainers of the household and have to worry about caretaking and maintaining. They are different roles for men and women, but in the eyes of Allah, they are noble and equitable positions that can take you to Jannah. 

Someone who stays home isn’t a worse person because they take care of the home vs the one who has to go out and work.

If your kids grow up without the influence of social media, and without the influence of anti-Islamic lifestyles that they see all day and are fed through the school systems, they are more likely to grow up on the fitra and you will have to spend less time trying to detox their minds.

You will see the fitra flourish in the actions of your kids, from the obvious to the more subtle, like finances.

Authoritarian vs Authoritative Parenting

I discussed Permissive parenting in a previous post, but now I want to talk about Authoritarian Parenting. This is probably something many Muslims are familiar with, since it has the qualities that we grew up with, and by consequence, we have now inherited those same tactics for our own kids. 

So what is Authoritarian Parenting? Here is what Abigail Shrier says in her book:

“The "authoritarian parent" values a child's obedience as a virtue, holds the child's behavior to an absolute standard, works to keep the child in his place, restricts his autonomy, and does not ever encourage a give-and-take discussion about her rules.

Does this sound familiar? Absolute obedience to the “establishment,” meaning your parents, no matter what. The obedience itself is virtuous. There is no room for discussion at all. This kind of parenting doesn’t just last when the child is young, but it goes on all the way to adulthood. 

“You need to be a Doctor, or else you won’t get a good job.”

“You can’t get married until your other siblings get married first.”

The amount of control can be surprising, and the worst part is when this absolute obedience to parents leads to the disobedience of Allah. 

Allah was never in the picture, and you, the parent, were the authority to be pleased. 

There is no room for creativity or alternative suggestions to satisfy both parties. 

This will psychologically damage your kids, and they themselves will not be effective leaders. 

Remember, “authoritative parenting,” is the best balance of control and love. Follow the Islamic model and the example of the Prophet ﷺ and you will find that middle ground of authority, love, and guidance for your children.

What is the best parenting style?

Abigail Shrier from her book, “Bad Therapy: Why the Kids Aren't Growing Up,” regarding parenting styles: 

After studying the ways parents attempt to control the behavior of children, Baumrind discerned three general approaches: permissive, authoritative, and authoritarian. 

The "permissive parent" assiduously avoids punishment. She affirms the child's impulses, desires, and actions, and consults the child about family decisions.

She makes few demands on the child with regard to responsibilities and orderly behavior. "She presents herself to the child as a resource for him to use as he wishes, not as an ideal for him to emulate, nor as an active agent responsible for shaping or altering his future behavior," Baumrind explains.”

“The "authoritarian parent" values a child's obedience as a virtue, holds the child's behavior to an absolute standard, works to keep the child in his place, restricts his autonomy, and does not ever encourage a give-and-take discussion about her rules.

Neither approach produced particularly happy or successful adults.

The "authoritative parent," however, is loving and rule based. She attempts to direct the child's activities in a rational manner, encourages a give-and-take with her child, but "exerts firm control at points of parent-child divergence." Where her point of view on a household rule ultimately conflicts with that of her child, she wins. She maintains high standards for her child's behavior "and does not base her decisions on group consensus or the individual child's desires."

In studies that still manage to chagrin therapists, Baumrind found that authoritative parenting styles produced the most successful, independent, self-reliant, and best emotionally regulated kids; it also produced the happiest kids— those less likely to report suffering from anxiety and depression.

This is a remarkably sturdy research finding: kids are happiest when raised in a loving environment that holds their behavior to high standards, expects them to contribute meaningfully to the household, and is willing to punish when behavior falls short. And it flies in the face of virtually everything therapists and parenting books now exhort.”

If you look at this from an Islamic perspective, it is quite remarkable how authoritative parenting falls in line with how the Prophet ﷺ used to be with not only children, but also with adults. You have a degree of freedom in your life and there is give-and-take within the religion, but at the end of the day, there are certain boundaries that we just cannot cross in Islam.

Later on in the book the author also tells us how most parents think they are the good “authoritative” parents, but they are actually slowly turning into permissive parents.

This is because the goalposts of what is right and wrong, of what is accepted or not, keep moving.

If you don’t have a rule book to live by in your life, the rule book of Islam, then your values will ultimately become what society decides. That is why Islam is such a great way of life. It actually makes things easy by letting us know what is right and wrong.

It helps you be a better person, and it helps you be a better parent.

What will you tell your kids on your deathbed?

This verse gets me every time.

It’s a stark reminder that we will eventually leave this world, and our children will be left without us.

The question that goes through every Muslim parent’s mind, who worries for their children, should be this question that is in Surah Baqara, Verse 133:

Or did you witness when death came to Jacob? He asked his children, “Who will you worship after my passing?” They replied, “We will ˹continue to˺ worship your God, the God of your forefathers—Abraham, Ishmael, and Isaac—the One God. And to Him we ˹all˺ submit.” (2:133)

Jacob or Yaqub (AS) didn’t talk about the worldly worries:

“Do you have enough money to survive?”

“Is your job stable enough so you can support yourself?”

“Here are all my passwords to my accounts so you can calculate the inheritance.”

On his deathbed, Yaqub AS only had one worry for his children. Something much more precious than the luxuries of this world. He wanted to make sure his kids knew what their real purpose was.

“Are you going to worship Allah, or will you forget about your Lord when I am gone?”

A magnificent question from Yaqub AS, and a question we need to be asking our children before we reach our deathbeds because one day, we will be gone, and they won’t have us as a fallback for life’s concerns. Plus we have no guaranteed that they will be around when we are on our deathbeds.

If we train our kids properly and bring them up in a house of Islam, then in sha Allah they will have an answer that is just as amazing as the question. Look at how Yaqub’s children respond:

“We will ˹continue to˺ worship your God, the God of your forefathers—Abraham, Ishmael, and Isaac—the One God. And to Him we ˹all˺ submit.” (2:133)

Subhan Allah, look at that beautiful answer. They didn’t just respond by saying, “We will worship Allah.” They responded by saying that we will worship your God, the one true God, the God of your forefathers, AND to Him we will all submit.

Let’s break this down for a bit.

This comprehensive answer means that Yaqub (AS) didn’t just teach his kids that Allah is one and call it a day.

He taught his children about Allah, he taught his children about the Prophets who were alive before him (who were his ancestors), and he taught his children that the main goal in life is to submit to Allah.

In essence, he would teach them the “Qur’an and Seerah” of his time. The Qur’an being the Scrolls of Abraham, and the Seerah being the lives of Abraham, Ishmael, and Isaac.

He taught them the formula for success, which is to learn first and foremost who Allah is, and then to follow the teachings and examples of the Prophets in terms of how to worship Allah.

We have the same formula in Islam. We teach our kids about who Allah is, and we also have to teach our kids the Qur’an and Seerah of our Prophet salal. The Seerah is linked with the Qur’an directly. You can’t possibly study the life of the Prophet and not encounter the Qur’an in it.

Now let’s also look at it even deeper. When someone asks you a question, whether you know the answer or not, you will reply as simply as you can. When Yaqub AS asks his kids this question, they reply back in such an impressive manner that it makes you think, “Did Yaqub ask them this question even before he was dying,” because no one can answer in such an impressive manner unless you were already reminded and coached about this constantly throughout your life.

And the answer to that is YES, they were coached throughout their lives about the purpose of their life. If we look back at the verse right before this one, we will see what Yaqub tells his children:

And Abraham instructed his sons [to do the same] and [so did] Jacob, [saying], "O my sons, indeed Allāh has chosen for you this religion, so do not die except while you are Muslims." (2:132)