A Sunnah we can all do and need.

One of the easiest Sunnahs that we can all do today is also one of the Sunnahs that we all need today, arguably more than ever:

‎Smiling in the face of your brother.

‎At-Tirmidhi (1956) narrated that Abu Dharr said: The Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said:

‎“Your smiling at your brother is an act of charity.”

‎With all the carnage that is happening out there,

‎With all the hardships people are enduring,

‎With all the trials that we are facing,

‎With all the degeneracy that we see is happening,

‎Let us uplift one another with a smile.

‎It will make you feel better, and it will make your brother feel better.

‎Not that we need anymore validation as Muslims because the Prophet ﷺ is validation, but smiling is also scientifically proven to make you feel better.

Authoritarian vs Authoritative Parenting

I discussed Permissive parenting in a previous post, but now I want to talk about Authoritarian Parenting. This is probably something many Muslims are familiar with, since it has the qualities that we grew up with, and by consequence, we have now inherited those same tactics for our own kids. 

So what is Authoritarian Parenting? Here is what Abigail Shrier says in her book:

“The "authoritarian parent" values a child's obedience as a virtue, holds the child's behavior to an absolute standard, works to keep the child in his place, restricts his autonomy, and does not ever encourage a give-and-take discussion about her rules.

Does this sound familiar? Absolute obedience to the “establishment,” meaning your parents, no matter what. The obedience itself is virtuous. There is no room for discussion at all. This kind of parenting doesn’t just last when the child is young, but it goes on all the way to adulthood. 

“You need to be a Doctor, or else you won’t get a good job.”

“You can’t get married until your other siblings get married first.”

The amount of control can be surprising, and the worst part is when this absolute obedience to parents leads to the disobedience of Allah. 

Allah was never in the picture, and you, the parent, were the authority to be pleased. 

There is no room for creativity or alternative suggestions to satisfy both parties. 

This will psychologically damage your kids, and they themselves will not be effective leaders. 

Remember, “authoritative parenting,” is the best balance of control and love. Follow the Islamic model and the example of the Prophet ﷺ and you will find that middle ground of authority, love, and guidance for your children.

Hack your brain and think positive.

So there I was, driving down the road through some twisty turns, and I noticed that the neighborhood I was going through was a very wealthy neighborhood. It was the American dream in real life: big houses, big green landscaped yards, and 2 or 3 cars in each driveway, all secluded and distant from each other. 

I remember a similar scene but it was in a different scenario. I was at the Smoky Mountains and I took a helicopter ride, and I was able to see the beautiful scenery of the green mountains and the giant homes in that area. 

All of this made me feel happy for a reason, even though I don’t own a house and am not a fan of taking a mortgage for obvious Islamic reasons. 

Seeing all these beautiful things that I wanted made me realize that in Jannah, I can have all of this plus much more! 

Forget about just one huge house, how about huge palaces that would make these houses look like monopoly homes in size?

2 or 3 family cars in the driveway? How about the most exotic sports cars that I can summon my way into at just the thought of it happening!

Green landscaped backyards? How about a yard as far as the eye can see, with rivers, fruits, and your family and friends nearby? No landscaping costs involved!

When we see what others have, let us remind ourselves that even if we can’t get those things in this life, we still have an opportunity to get them in the next life. 

Not only that, but this life is only an infinitely small fraction of our total existence! 

Don’t put all your eggs in the dunya basket.

Remember the Hadith Qudsi:

Narrated Abu Huraira:

The Prophet (ﷺ) said, "Allah said, ‘I have prepared for My righteous slaves (such excellent things) as no eye has ever seen, nor an ear has ever heard nor a human heart can ever think of.’ ”

What is the best parenting style?

Abigail Shrier from her book, “Bad Therapy: Why the Kids Aren't Growing Up,” regarding parenting styles: 

After studying the ways parents attempt to control the behavior of children, Baumrind discerned three general approaches: permissive, authoritative, and authoritarian. 

The "permissive parent" assiduously avoids punishment. She affirms the child's impulses, desires, and actions, and consults the child about family decisions.

She makes few demands on the child with regard to responsibilities and orderly behavior. "She presents herself to the child as a resource for him to use as he wishes, not as an ideal for him to emulate, nor as an active agent responsible for shaping or altering his future behavior," Baumrind explains.”

“The "authoritarian parent" values a child's obedience as a virtue, holds the child's behavior to an absolute standard, works to keep the child in his place, restricts his autonomy, and does not ever encourage a give-and-take discussion about her rules.

Neither approach produced particularly happy or successful adults.

The "authoritative parent," however, is loving and rule based. She attempts to direct the child's activities in a rational manner, encourages a give-and-take with her child, but "exerts firm control at points of parent-child divergence." Where her point of view on a household rule ultimately conflicts with that of her child, she wins. She maintains high standards for her child's behavior "and does not base her decisions on group consensus or the individual child's desires."

In studies that still manage to chagrin therapists, Baumrind found that authoritative parenting styles produced the most successful, independent, self-reliant, and best emotionally regulated kids; it also produced the happiest kids— those less likely to report suffering from anxiety and depression.

This is a remarkably sturdy research finding: kids are happiest when raised in a loving environment that holds their behavior to high standards, expects them to contribute meaningfully to the household, and is willing to punish when behavior falls short. And it flies in the face of virtually everything therapists and parenting books now exhort.”

If you look at this from an Islamic perspective, it is quite remarkable how authoritative parenting falls in line with how the Prophet ﷺ used to be with not only children, but also with adults. You have a degree of freedom in your life and there is give-and-take within the religion, but at the end of the day, there are certain boundaries that we just cannot cross in Islam.

Later on in the book the author also tells us how most parents think they are the good “authoritative” parents, but they are actually slowly turning into permissive parents.

This is because the goalposts of what is right and wrong, of what is accepted or not, keep moving.

If you don’t have a rule book to live by in your life, the rule book of Islam, then your values will ultimately become what society decides. That is why Islam is such a great way of life. It actually makes things easy by letting us know what is right and wrong.

It helps you be a better person, and it helps you be a better parent.

Pleasing Allah through Cars and Coffee.

My son and I enjoy cars.

He might be a bit more obsessed than I am. Probably because he doesn’t have to worry about costs and maintenance like his dad does.

It is a great way for us to bond together in our shared hobby, and we went to our first cars and coffee yesterday. We had a great time, and we saw some cars we were not expecting to see in our small town:

1. Nissan R34 GTR

2. MK4 Toyota Supra

3. Lotus Esprit

These were probably the highlights of what we saw, but there were tons of Porsches, some GTIs, and some really old classic cars.

There was even a Civic with his exhaust coming out of his engine bay, and he had to skurry on home since it started raining and he had no engine cover for his car 😆.

We had to get up early at 8AM, and it was not something I was initially looking forward to do. I had just come off working 8 straight days of the graveyard shift (1am-9am), and I needed this Saturday to re-calibrate my body back to normal.

Of course that did not happen, but the second part of this event made things much more bearable.

Coffee!

I don’t normally drink coffee (maybe once a week), but when I do, it really kicks in and does it’s job. It is a medicine for me, and not just a social, “Look at me, I’m cool and important and spend $8 on coffee,” type of experience.

I use my car for those types of experiences😁.

All jokes aside, I mainly did it for bonding with my son. To create memories that he will have later on in life. To make him one day also want to make similar memories with his own kids.

To fulfill the ties of kinship.

Initially we were going to go to Tuner Evo in Philly next weekend, but I had some work issues that came up and couldn’t go. Plus we decided that Tuner Evo was not as family friendly because of the excessive “car girls” that events like that are known for having and showing off their "engine bay."

That would have been a whole weekend since Philly is about 8 hours away, but we were able to stay local and have just as much fun. Not only did I save money, but we were able to follow the Cars and Coffee with some high-revving mountain driving that was quite satisfying.

Most importantly, we found a way to have fun and to also please Allah subhana wata'aalah by avoiding the questionable Tuner Evo spectacle.

And fun doesn’t always have to be a spectacle. 

Sometimes fun can just be peace in your heart.

Too many medical diagnoses in children?

Too many kids get a medical diagnosis for something that isn’t worthy of a medical diagnosis: ADHD, depression, anxiety, etc.

Too many kids then believe that something is wrong with them when in reality, we all go through anxious moments and depressive times. 

Too many kids are then constantly reminded in the schooling system about their diagnosis, and they are coddled through the years. 

How will this child grow up to deal with the realities of life? They never experienced the fact that tough times and how we handle them are what makes us stronger.