Bad Therapy Step 5: Monitor, Monitor, Monitor
Too much monitoring isn’t good for a child, but it is also necessary in situations where danger might be present. You have to be strategic where you want monitoring and when you don’t. For example, if the kids are playing out in the yard or at a skate park, let them do their thing and learn their own boundaries. Let them determine what is dangerous and what isn’t based on their environment and skill level. You and I grew up doing some crazy things, and we ended up just fine.
In other situations such as a school environment, you don’t know the behavior patterns of other kids or teenagers, and in this situation, having more monitoring is a good thing. More monitoring can lead to more anxiety (remember that teacher that walks past your desk while working on an assignment?), but schools are also a cesspool of all kinds of insane behavior and habits, especially for practicing Muslims. More monitoring is needed, but it’s because of bad behavior. This is why I highly recommend homeschooling. You can set your own schedule, and you will be doing less monitoring by default.
The whole “surveillance state” is not the solution to problems, both societal and family. What is required is more God consciousness, which is the self-monitoring paradigm that we all need to live by. The more God conscious we are as Muslims and properly instill this in our children, the less they will have to be monitored.
They will be able to monitor themselves.
Too much monitoring isn’t good for a child, but it is also necessary in situations where danger might be present. You have to be strategic where you want monitoring and when you don’t. For example, if the kids are playing out in the yard or at a skate park, let them do their thing and learn their own boundaries. Let them determine what is dangerous and what isn’t based on their environment and skill level. You and I grew up doing some crazy things, and we ended up just fine.
In other situations such as a school environment, you don’t know the behavior patterns of other kids or teenagers, and in this situation, having more monitoring is a good thing. More monitoring can lead to more anxiety (remember that teacher that walks past your desk while working on an assignment?), but schools are also a cesspool of all kinds of insane behavior and habits, especially for practicing Muslims. More monitoring is needed, but it’s because of bad behavior. This is why I highly recommend homeschooling. You can set your own schedule, and you will be doing less monitoring by default.
The whole “surveillance state” is not the solution to problems, both societal and family. What is required is more God consciousness, which is the self-monitoring paradigm that we all need to live by. The more God conscious we are as Muslims and properly instill this in our children, the less they will have to be monitored.
They will be able to monitor themselves.
Bad Therapy Step 4: Affirm and Accommodate Kids’ Worries
All Mason will eat is buttered noodles. Harper is afraid of dogs. Would you mind crating your dog during our visit? Or, from the therapist: Sounds like your kiddo has testing anxiety. I'll write her a note, so that the school gives her untimed tests. Sound familiar?
If we pamper kids beyond their diaper age, this is what happens to them. They will continue to be pampered until they have to face the real, and then they are doomed. They won’t know how to deal with life because they never knew the reality of life.
That life is nothing but trials and hardships, with some sprinkles of joy and fulfillment spread throughout.
There is a fine line between accommodating and pushing forward, but if a therapist steps in for you and gives you a golden pass to escape, then it must be OK….right?
Schools are no different with this approach:
School psychologists and counselors so often do the opposite: solidify a child's worry through affirmation and accommodation." They intervene with the teacher, ostensibly on a child's behalf, to lighten the homework load or to provide tailored assignments if the standard curriculum seems to cause too much stress. None of this encourages the development of a child's natural resources for coping with her worries or overcoming stressful situations.
We think as parents that we’re not doing this because we’re immigrant parents and we’re harsher as the stereotype goes, but we are doing this with the religion. How many times does your child not pray on time, or skip jummah because they’re in school?
Is that OK?
Are we accommodating the dunya more than the akhirah?
How many times do we wake up for Fajr, but we let our kids sleep in because they have a long exam today?
Let’s just take the example of Jummah prayer for instance.
The masajid are filled with students when Friday is some sort of holiday, but outside of that, where are the kids, specifically young men the rest of the week? I’ve seen parents who do bring their kids to Jummah, and their sons have been successful in graduating and going to college, so don’t tell me it will ruin their future prospects by taking them out of school every Friday, and it will “create a scene.” Nonsense.
Do you really think Allah subhana wata'aalah will not take care of you if you do what He says? What does He say at the end of Surah Jummah?
Say, “What is with Allah is far better than amusement and merchandise. And Allah is the Best Provider.”
Allah is the Best Provider.
You can read more from the book itself.
All Mason will eat is buttered noodles. Harper is afraid of dogs. Would you mind crating your dog during our visit? Or, from the therapist: Sounds like your kiddo has testing anxiety. I'll write her a note, so that the school gives her untimed tests. Sound familiar?
If we pamper kids beyond their diaper age, this is what happens to them. They will continue to be pampered until they have to face the real, and then they are doomed. They won’t know how to deal with life because they never knew the reality of life.
That life is nothing but trials and hardships, with some sprinkles of joy and fulfillment spread throughout.
There is a fine line between accommodating and pushing forward, but if a therapist steps in for you and gives you a golden pass to escape, then it must be OK….right?
Schools are no different with this approach:
School psychologists and counselors so often do the opposite: solidify a child's worry through affirmation and accommodation." They intervene with the teacher, ostensibly on a child's behalf, to lighten the homework load or to provide tailored assignments if the standard curriculum seems to cause too much stress. None of this encourages the development of a child's natural resources for coping with her worries or overcoming stressful situations.
We think as parents that we’re not doing this because we’re immigrant parents and we’re harsher as the stereotype goes, but we are doing this with the religion. How many times does your child not pray on time, or skip jummah because they’re in school?
Is that OK?
Are we accommodating the dunya more than the akhirah?
How many times do we wake up for Fajr, but we let our kids sleep in because they have a long exam today?
Let’s just take the example of Jummah prayer for instance.
The masajid are filled with students when Friday is some sort of holiday, but outside of that, where are the kids, specifically young men the rest of the week? I’ve seen parents who do bring their kids to Jummah, and their sons have been successful in graduating and going to college, so don’t tell me it will ruin their future prospects by taking them out of school every Friday, and it will “create a scene.” Nonsense.
Do you really think Allah subhana wata'aalah will not take care of you if you do what He says? What does He say at the end of Surah Jummah?
Say, “What is with Allah is far better than amusement and merchandise. And Allah is the Best Provider.”
Allah is the Best Provider.
You can read more from the book itself.
Bad Therapy Step 3: Make "Happiness" a Goal but Reward Emotional Suffering.
Quotes from Bad Therapy:
Hang around families with young children for an afternoon, and you'll hear parents check that their kids are enjoying their ice cream, excited about school the next day, that they had fun at the park. In so many ways, we signal to kids: your happiness is the ultimate goal; it's what we're all livin' for.
According to the best research, we have it all backward. If we wanted our kids to be happy, the last thing we would do is to communicate that happiness is the goal. The more vigorously you hunt happiness, the more likely you are to be disappointed. This is true irrespective of the objective conditions of your life.
This is so true in Islam. We are constantly reminded of how this world is a delusion, a fleeting moment that will only be like a night followed by the day:
On the Day they see it, it will seem they lingered [in this life] an evening [at most,] or its morning. (79:46)
Just look at social media. Everyone seems happy, except you, and it artificially makes you sad and depressed. If social media is doing this to adults, who have a more mature brain and life experience, how about teenagers and youngsters who are not as mature?
By insisting that happiness be their goal, we place kids in a crucible. On the one hand, "chasing positivity" tends to make them more depressed. Then feeling depressed gets socially rewarded.”
Here’s an anecdote from a high school kid regarding being known by your strengths vs being known for your struggles.
Cody, a senior at a public high school in Brooklyn, told me the same. A generation ago, kids might have identified with what Cody calls their "strengths": the jock, the popular kid, the math team member, the beauty queen. But today, that's verboten. "Identifying with your strengths now isn't seen as too cool because some people may manipulate you into thinking that you're privileged because of it."
What's wrong with identifying with your struggles? "Well, I see that they don't try to solve it."
Cody took pains to explain that he wasn't talking about the severely depressed —just the average kid. Once they get the validation from other students for their mental health crises, "they don't break out of that rut," he said.
In conclusion, if you pursue happiness, you will only be more depressed, which is praised and pampered by society, leaving you in that state since it makes you feel “accepted.”
Everlasting happiness is only in Jannah, and to get to Jannah requires struggle and sacrifice.
Quotes from Bad Therapy:
Hang around families with young children for an afternoon, and you'll hear parents check that their kids are enjoying their ice cream, excited about school the next day, that they had fun at the park. In so many ways, we signal to kids: your happiness is the ultimate goal; it's what we're all livin' for.
According to the best research, we have it all backward. If we wanted our kids to be happy, the last thing we would do is to communicate that happiness is the goal. The more vigorously you hunt happiness, the more likely you are to be disappointed. This is true irrespective of the objective conditions of your life.
This is so true in Islam. We are constantly reminded of how this world is a delusion, a fleeting moment that will only be like a night followed by the day:
On the Day they see it, it will seem they lingered [in this life] an evening [at most,] or its morning. (79:46)
Just look at social media. Everyone seems happy, except you, and it artificially makes you sad and depressed. If social media is doing this to adults, who have a more mature brain and life experience, how about teenagers and youngsters who are not as mature?
By insisting that happiness be their goal, we place kids in a crucible. On the one hand, "chasing positivity" tends to make them more depressed. Then feeling depressed gets socially rewarded.”
Here’s an anecdote from a high school kid regarding being known by your strengths vs being known for your struggles.
Cody, a senior at a public high school in Brooklyn, told me the same. A generation ago, kids might have identified with what Cody calls their "strengths": the jock, the popular kid, the math team member, the beauty queen. But today, that's verboten. "Identifying with your strengths now isn't seen as too cool because some people may manipulate you into thinking that you're privileged because of it."
What's wrong with identifying with your struggles? "Well, I see that they don't try to solve it."
Cody took pains to explain that he wasn't talking about the severely depressed —just the average kid. Once they get the validation from other students for their mental health crises, "they don't break out of that rut," he said.
In conclusion, if you pursue happiness, you will only be more depressed, which is praised and pampered by society, leaving you in that state since it makes you feel “accepted.”
Everlasting happiness is only in Jannah, and to get to Jannah requires struggle and sacrifice.
Bad Therapy Step 2 - Obsessing over your past injuries and personal problems.
A good therapist (if you must go to one) should be telling you to stop this cycle of constantly delving into your past problems instead of constantly discussing them.
Constantly discussing them and thinking of them leads to depression:
"...being overly prone to talking about your emotional pain is itself a symptom of depression."
Bad Therapy - pg 48.
Islamically speaking, it is also highly encouraged to not delve into your past problems. Even the Prophet ﷺ when he went to Ta'if and was forced out of the city, the way he mentioned his story was very vague and basic. He didn't get into the details because he didn't want people's sympathy ﷺ.
He only even discussed it because Ayesha RA asked him if there was any day that was worse than Uhud.
All the details that we know of Ta'if? Those details came from other narrators. Once again, the Prophet ﷺ didn't go into those details wanting people's sympathy, and he encouraged us to not delve into past mistakes and errors. Learn from them, realize that it was from the will of Allah, and move on. Don’t let it weaken you.
It was narrated that Abu Hurairah said:
"The Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said: 'The strong believer is better and more beloved to Allah than the weak believer, although both are good. Strive for that which will benefit you, seek the help of Allah, and do not feel helpless. If anything befalls you, do not say, "if only I had done such and such" rather say "Qaddara Allahu wa ma sha'a fa'ala (Allah has decreed and whatever he wills, He does)." For (saying) 'If' opens (the door) to the deeds of Satan.'"
A good therapist (if you must go to one) should be telling you to stop this cycle of constantly delving into your past problems instead of constantly discussing them.
Constantly discussing them and thinking of them leads to depression:
"...being overly prone to talking about your emotional pain is itself a symptom of depression."
Bad Therapy - pg 48.
Islamically speaking, it is also highly encouraged to not delve into your past problems. Even the Prophet ﷺ when he went to Ta'if and was forced out of the city, the way he mentioned his story was very vague and basic. He didn't get into the details because he didn't want people's sympathy ﷺ.
He only even discussed it because Ayesha RA asked him if there was any day that was worse than Uhud.
All the details that we know of Ta'if? Those details came from other narrators. Once again, the Prophet ﷺ didn't go into those details wanting people's sympathy, and he encouraged us to not delve into past mistakes and errors. Learn from them, realize that it was from the will of Allah, and move on. Don’t let it weaken you.
It was narrated that Abu Hurairah said:
"The Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said: 'The strong believer is better and more beloved to Allah than the weak believer, although both are good. Strive for that which will benefit you, seek the help of Allah, and do not feel helpless. If anything befalls you, do not say, "if only I had done such and such" rather say "Qaddara Allahu wa ma sha'a fa'ala (Allah has decreed and whatever he wills, He does)." For (saying) 'If' opens (the door) to the deeds of Satan.'"
Bad Therapy Step 1 - telling kids to pay close attention to their feelings.
Children's emotions are some of the most if not the most irregular emotions you will come across.
One second they are fighting each other, the next they are laughing with each other.
Their reactions to what they see or how they feel about a situation is very inconsistent from one day to the next.
To tell your kids to constantly focus on their emotions is to destroy them internally.
Most of the time, most people are dealing with minor irritations, fatigue, stress, pain, or other minor discomforts.
Especially if they're in public school.
A kid who is reminded to constantly heed their feelings and evaluate their happiness will always find something wrong, and will think there is something wrong with them, requiring them to get help because they will realize that most of the time, they are not happy.
Even for you and me, are you happy right now? Literally, right now?
No, you're not because you don’t come to my website when you want to be happy!
The reality is, happiness is never the end goal for anything.
You will never find true happiness in this world, and you have to let your kids know that ultimate happiness comes in the afterlife in Jannah.
This life is but a deception that becomes more apparent as each day passes.
"Adults should be telling kids how imperfect and unreliable their emotions can be, Chentsova Dutton says. Very often, kids should be skeptical that their feelings reflect an accurate picture of the world and even ignore their feelings entirely. (Gasp!) You read that right: a healthy emotional life involves a certain amount of daily repression."
Children's emotions are some of the most if not the most irregular emotions you will come across.
One second they are fighting each other, the next they are laughing with each other.
Their reactions to what they see or how they feel about a situation is very inconsistent from one day to the next.
To tell your kids to constantly focus on their emotions is to destroy them internally.
Most of the time, most people are dealing with minor irritations, fatigue, stress, pain, or other minor discomforts.
Especially if they're in public school.
A kid who is reminded to constantly heed their feelings and evaluate their happiness will always find something wrong, and will think there is something wrong with them, requiring them to get help because they will realize that most of the time, they are not happy.
Even for you and me, are you happy right now? Literally, right now?
No, you're not because you don’t come to my website when you want to be happy!
The reality is, happiness is never the end goal for anything.
You will never find true happiness in this world, and you have to let your kids know that ultimate happiness comes in the afterlife in Jannah.
This life is but a deception that becomes more apparent as each day passes.
"Adults should be telling kids how imperfect and unreliable their emotions can be, Chentsova Dutton says. Very often, kids should be skeptical that their feelings reflect an accurate picture of the world and even ignore their feelings entirely. (Gasp!) You read that right: a healthy emotional life involves a certain amount of daily repression."